Campfire Stories

Just Another Head Magnet Day – in my native tongue

NOGGIN – nut – conk – melon – noodle – block –loaf of bread – uncle Ned – LUMP OF LEAD

I would say I have an average sized head,  so I am not sure why things keep hitting it.

East London, I went out to admire a full moon from my parents suburban garden. A bat flew into my Loaf.  We were both a little stunned.  I had never, ever seen a bat in the London skies before.

Walking my kids to school in Essex, I turned the corner and foam, from the top of a window cleaners soapy bucket, caught the breeze and gave me a bubble afro. The guy nearly fell off the ladder laughing.  He could have hit his Noodle.

“That was Donkeys Years ago.”

Sitting outside a pub kitchen, on break, a piece of ham landed on my Nut.  The waiter sitting with me nearly choked to death on some bread pudding, he was so alarmed.  We suspected a seagull but never saw anything.  The waiter laughed all afternoon. 

“I didn’t say a Dicky Bird.”

A flannel in Devon, white paint in the seaside town of Brighton both objects fell onto my noggin.

“Haven’t got the Foggiest where they came from.”

Maggots and a mouse whilst working in an inner City pub fell from above and landed on my Block.  I think a rubbish bag from the balcony above. All manner of sporting objects have found my Uncle Ned and an ice cream cone in Greece hit me on the Conk.

NOGGIN – nut – conk – melon – noodle – block –loaf of bread – uncle Ned –

A big piece of buttered bread fell from the heavens and got stuck upon my Lump. More recently some sort of swooping bird mistimed his arc and hit me in the back of my Melon.

“When I was out for a Ball and Chalk.”

It should have come as no surprise when a great big cicada hit me between the eyes today.

“I just couldn’t Adam and Eve it!”

I wondered if other people have giant head magnets.

“So I took a Butchers at the internet and Half Inched some interesting facts.”

In 1876 a shower of three-inch chunks of meat rained down from a clear sky over Olympian Springs, Kentucky. The Louisville Commercial reported that “two gentlemen, who tasted the meat, express the opinion that it was either mutton or venison.” YUCK, why would you eat it? Anyway the theory; buzzards had feasted on dead horses, flown over the town, and vomited.  I am now just waiting for a sick bomb.

“Makes me just want to Wallace thinking about it.”

In June 1997, a man fishing off the coast of the Falkland Islands was knocked unconscious and left comatose for two days after a frozen squid landed on his head. How the squid got there nobody knows.

Spiders and frogs sometimes come down as rain when they have been sucked up by a waterspout, I have learnt. This seems pretty vanilla, but I like spiders and frogs.

On September 1, 1969, Punta Gorda residents woke up to find golf balls falling from the skies. According to meteorologists, Punta Gorda, which is located on Florida’s western Gulf coast with lots of golf courses, probably experienced a passing tornado which gulped up a golf ball filled pond which in turn rained down its contents on the streets of the unsuspecting town.

I also remember reading somewhere that a man died once when he was harpooned by a giant icicle spear that had formed when an aircraft emptied the toilet.

I feel thankful therefore, that these incidents are small and provide much entertainment for those that happen to be with me.

“Loads of people have had a good giraffe.”

The cicada and I were confused that we had been in each others space, but we both went on our way no harm done.

NOGGIN – nut – conk – melon – noodle – block –loaf of bread – uncle Ned – LUMP OF LEAD – head

Just another head magnet day.

Here are some common Cockney Rhyming Slang words.  I grew up with many of these phrases and use some still.  An old collection of words from the East End of London, it is said made up by criminals to talk to each other, when they had been nicked -arrested.  I use them less now I am in a new world so leave them here, lest they are lost to my future generations.  I guess the most common are here but its an ever-evolving language.

Adam and Eve – believe

Alan Whickers – knickers  Who’s are these wickers

Apples and pears – stairs    

Artful Dodger – lodger

Ascot Races – braces

Aunt Joanna – piano

Baked Bean – Queen

Baker’s Dozen – Cousin

Ball and Chalk – Walk     

Barnaby Rudge – Judge

Barnet Fair – hair     

Barney Rubble – trouble

Battlecruiser – boozer

Bees and honey – money

Bird lime – time (in prison)

Boat Race – face

Bob Hope – soap

Bottle and glass – arse

Brahms and Liszt – pissed (drunk)

Brass Tacks – facts

Bread and Cheese – sneeze

Bread and Honey – money

Bricks and Mortar – daughter

Bristol City – breasts

Brown Bread – dead

Bubble and Squeak – Greek

Bubble Bath  or Giraffe– Laugh

butcher’s hook – a look

Chalfont St. Giles – piles

Chalk Farm – arm

China plate – mate (friend)

Cock and Hen – ten

Cows and Kisses – Missus (wife)

Currant bun – sun (also The Sun, a British newspaper)

Custard and jelly – telly (television)

Daisy Roots – boots

Darby and Joan – moan

Dicky bird – word   

Dicky Dirt – shirt

Dinky Doos – shoes

Dog and bone – phone or Blower

Dog’s or plates of meat – feet [from early 20th c.]

Duck and Dive – skive 

Duke of Kent – rent

Dustbin lid – kid

Elephant’s Trunk – drunk

Fireman’s Hose – nose

Flowery Dell – cell

Frog and Toad – road

Gypsy’s kiss – piss

Half-inch – pinch (to steal)

Hampton Wick – prick

Hank Marvin – starving

Irish pig – wig

Isle of Wight – tights

Jam-jar – car

Jayme Gibbs

Jimmy Riddle – piddle

Khyber Pass – arse

Kick and Prance – dance

Lady Godiva – fiver

Laugh n a joke – smoke

Lionel Blairs – flares

Loaf of Bread – head

loop the loop – soup

Mickey Bliss – piss

Mince Pies – eyes – mincies

Mork and Mindy – windy’

North and south – mouth

Orchestra stalls – balls

Pat and Mick – sick

Peckham Rye – tie

Pony and Trap – crap

Raspberry ripple – nipple

Raspberry tart – fart

Roast Pork – fork

Rosy Lee – tea (drink)

Round the Houses – trousers

Rub-a-Dub – pub

Ruby Murray – curry

Sausage Roll – goal

Septic tank – Yank

Sherbet (short for sherbet dab) – cab (taxi)

Skin and Blister – sister

Sky Rocket – pocket

Sweeney Todd – flying squad

Syrup of figs – wig (sic)

Tables and chairs – stairs

Tea leaf – thief  

Todd Sloane – alone

Tom and Dick – sick

Tom tit – shit

Tomfoolery – jewelry

Tommy Trinder – window

Trouble and strife – wife

Two and eight – state (of upset)

Vera Lynn – gin

Whistle and flute – suit (of clothes)