Out of the Blue
My daughter pushed her way into my world. I had not decided to have her, but she was ready, and so she came. I leant against the cool plastic of the public toilet and looked again at the blue mark telling me she was on her way. I called my mum, told her that I was pregnant and wailed that my life was over.
I sobbed and asked ‘what am I going to do?’ She laughed and said, ‘have a baby,’
Thankfully my boyfriend and I had decided that our infatuation was more than we had intended. At the looming reality of being separated by passport status, we had decided to commit and get married. It was not a romantic proposal, I’m still waiting, rather a reaction from two people who had found the fairytale but needed to fight for the Happy Ever After. We had planned to travel the world for a bit, I think we were going to drop in America somewhere and make our way from there or was it Canada? I can’t remember much about our plans, they were vague, exciting and free. I do remember I had given in my notice to work and having a baby was not on the itinerary.
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When glass gets broken
I am reading a note, in my husband’s thin blue handwriting, it starts.
- ask about prescription
- appointment at doctors?
- sick days?
I feel the familiar prickly sting start at the back of my eyes, I do not want to cry so I put his list back down on the table by the bed and continue to hoover. My husband is in the shower and I have a few minutes to clean up a little, take away old flowers, change the sheets and suck away crumbs. He can not tolerate the noise, so I work quickly. The water stops and I turn the hoover off and hit the button that pulls back the chord. The black line pulls the plug back quickly, the machine and I feel we should not be here. I pull the door shut quietly and wince at the loud click of the lock as I leave. I do not want him to see how upset I am. Continue reading “Campfire Stories” →
One day you might have children of your own
I fear this part, the letting go. I know my children are good, I know they understand right from wrong, I know they want to do their best, I know it is time to let go. I just hate the thought of it.
I have spent my time as a parent preparing my children for an independent life. I have taught skills, spoken of life with all its complications. I have explained the good and the bad. They understand life is a hot soup, to be tasted with caution, enjoyed to the last scrape.
I am not sure what it is I fear, broken heart, broken limbs, broken mind. These things can be mended.
Continue reading “The Advice Safe” →