Campfire Story

Being 50 – Nothing much changes.

I remember writing a piece at school about what life would be like in the magical millennium, the year 2000.  Then it seemed miles away and I indulged in a story of flying cars, and doctors that could cure anything, pretty standard, I found out later when my paper was handed back to me.  And I think that is it, life can be pretty standard, we plod along take the happy when we can, deal with the sad as it arrives and grow.  On the inside the only thing that is different about me is  experience.  I am basically still that 10 year old, plus knowledge.  Actually that is not strictly true, apparently your ears and nose never stop growing. But on the outside, that is absolutely another thing entirely.

I remember reading in the Daily Mail, yes I am that way inclined sometimes, an article about being 50.  It was written in 2011, I remember because my ex George Clooney had just turned 50 and I was having trouble finding a card that was not too sentimental.  Didn’t want him to think he stood a chance at getting back together. I found the piece , and here it is.

Don’t be down if you’re 50 today – you’re entering the age of true happiness.

Researchers say many of those who have passed their half century are enjoying the time of their lives – comfortable and content with their lot.

This may be because they have the peace of mind of having paid off their mortgage, got the children off their hands or are simply enjoying spending more time with loved-ones and friends.

BLAH BLAH nice picture of George, then

More than a third said they were no longer troubled by worries over their body shape or image.  Read more

So deep joy because not only was I going to be the most debt free and content than I had even been at 50, I would love my body; I practically prayed the years away. TICK, TICK, TICK.  Good morning, darling, Happy Birthday, my husband gave me a gardening book and kissed me politely on the forehead, just a little something. WHAT…. WE ARE DEBT FREE NOW, I WAS THINKING BIG.  Hey mum Happy Birthday, we have made you cards. WHAT, THEY ARE STILL HERE? 

I ran to the bathroom, please be thin WHAT JUST HAPPENED.  All the extra food I had been confidently eating over the past three years was right there represented on my body.  I was certain that by 50 I would be happy with my shape, so what I read in the paper was not true??  Dear God where are the diet books, I am going to have to do this on my own.

Then the really bad stuff started happening, if you are not yet 50 or squeamish stop reading now.  My face needs ironing in the morning, I need to nap and wear glasses. I am often referred to as a noob, and would rather search in a book than online.  I call people young man or lady and like things with currants in them.

I now grow more hair, in a bad way. The one or two grey pubic hairs that I pluck when I could be bothered, should have rung out loud as an alarm bell.  The car wing mirror decided that 50 was the perfect time to show me that my chin hairs were not only very long but GREY too and so thick that when I plucked at them in the shopping mall car park they would not budge.  Dilemma, shop or go home to pluck.  Option three find some tweezers in the soap aisle, use the chilled section mirror to remove the mutation, and replace.  You decide.   

The children have started shaking their heads and laughing at the things I say and I have to ask them stuff about the internet.  I have to scroll down a long way in the drop down date boxes.  There is some flesh under my chin and on my arms that was not there when I was 49 and my toes have grown hair.

Good grief is that a hair on my chinny chin chin

Then the Bowel Screen paperwork hit.  I am grateful for and agree with anything that helps, but it did announce very loudly that 50 is the time when bad things are more likely to happen. So

• Fill in the consent form
• do the barcode thing
• wee and flush
• layer toilet paper then sample sheet
• poop.  The instruction says quick before it sinks, scrape end of stick over bowel motion

So I am in the siting position, stick in one hand, container in the other, business done, panicking in case said motion sinks, but I have to stand up, and normally wipe comes before stand up in my routine.  Yucky. And my motion took several flushes to go away, it is probably still floating around out there on the sample sheet.  Then breast screening, which is actually not that bad as when you are my age everything is much more malleable.

Out with the coconut oil in with the factor 80, out with the two piece in with the one.  I now wonder if the weather is likely to turn and pack a jumper just in case.  I walk around the obstacle and no longer clamber over, enjoy gardening more than I ever used too, and the thought of sleeping in a tent no longer seems like an adventure.  My skin is no longer firm and bruises more easily and I have started to think about grandchildren.

So much has changed but nothing very much worth bothering about, life is beautiful and when I was moaning about my eyesight the other day in the garden center, the old girl said moodily, that’s nothing wait ’till your bloody 60!