Some words from the old girl in the boat up ahead
My husband is on the waiting list because death is not imminent and our medical insurance does not cover what ails him. I have just been to the doctors and paid $55 to be told the mole that has appeared on the back of my thigh is not going to end my life but marks the end of my youth. A full stop. Apparently, at my age these things start to appear, I do not have to worry about death, just the slow decline. Potentially this is depressing news.
I have a vivid memory of traveling back to my family home on a Sunday morning train with my boyfriend. A young man who was waiting to be my husband, neither of us knew this was his fate. We had a playful conversation about what our child would look like, it was fun to imagine, I had no intention of making another human, so we played around with the idea and laughed that we would never, ever be like other couples. We watched an elderly pair board and sit in silence, we sniggered about their life and presumed.
We jumped onto the platform at our stop and waved goodbye to the couple and pulled faces behind their backs, me in my tight Aquascutum and him in his jeans and frayed rugby top. The couple smiled and could not care less about us, it had all been before, they smiled together, she had packed a lunch and offered him a sandwich.
I will not pack a lunch but we will sit in comfortable silence at some point because communication does not always need words. We did not know that then.
Our day was lazy, indulgent, selfish full of roast dinner and dreams. We left in time to catch the last train and I pushed my body into his as we waited at the bus stop. A horn traveled through the dark to congratulate us at being so young and free, my husband in waiting saluted the sound and we giggled and snogged until the bus came to take us to the station. Everything then was sharp, outrageous and urgent.
My husband and I have planned a trip tomorrow, do something different. My dad used to call it Tatters. I will not pack a lunch but we will sit in comfortable silence at some point because communication does not always need words. We did not know that then. We have become like all other couples because it would be too exhausting not to be. We are a very ordinary couple of extraordinary people who still giggle and dream and think that we will never ever be like everyone else, we are, our patterns are just different.
I am not depressed by this news, I am very lucky and will wait patiently for my next mole friend and happily embrace my middle life. There is so much more to come. Kids, life has a natural flow that will carry you to where you should be. Enjoy what you can and love when you can, trust your instincts, be honest with yourself and others and enjoy this ride. I am ahead of you and can see you traveling safely behind me. Don’t be scared.
If anyone is worried about a mole check out this site, mole check, my doctor recommended it.