Farting in front of your boyfriend – the last taboo
I think I am fairly safe in saying that there does exist, a farting etiquette.
- Never fart at work. It is an unspoken rule that female workers go to the toilet to fart and most gents will also try to hold it in long enough to make it to the toilet. Even if the bowl amplifies everything to an H-bomb status on the Richter scale, you can leave the cubicle knowing nobody will say anything. In fact, nobody will even look at you. Roguish men usually just let them go silently, turning it into a game of gas poker. If they get caught they will usually grin, accept the title of dirty pig and carry on or encourage others to try and beat it.
- Never fart at anyone on purpose, you could get arrested. Do not believe me? hit here.
- Never fart in a lift, there is nowhere to hide. If it sounds like ripping Velcro apart, everyone else will know that was you. If you manage a silent release then everyone will know it was you, as you will be the only one looking at your feet. Either way, there is no walking away from it.
- Never fart in front of your in laws. Ever.
- Never fart in front of your grandparents.
- Never fart in front of your boyfriend.
If you accidentally let one go and do not own up immediately, there are a number of strategies.
- BLAME GAME. Blame a nearby animal, making a wafting motion with your hand. Blame any small child that is known to you by saying, ‘now say pardon.’
- SMOKE AND MIRRORS. You can look at the bottom of your shoe and say, ‘can you smell something?‘ This has to be done very quickly and loudly, whilst you walk away from the crime scene.
- THE SPIN. Say, ‘wow, this new healthy diet really is working, my gut has never been so healthy’.
- THE COVER UP. This calls for a synchronised sound block, cough or sneeze.
- THE BLUFF. Acknowledge nothing and look puzzled when you are asked if you can smell anything. Most adults are on to these methods so it is better to just say excuse me or sorry, an apology seems to be quite acceptable.
Flatulence is defined in the medical literature as “flatus expelled through the anus” I can not even type this without laughing. This is the second problem. Farting is very, very funny to most people. Releasing gas and not owning up can lead to laughter from the stifled muffled sort to the outright hysterics. No owning up to an obvious expel through the anus can leave you in a position of total ridicule.
Causes of Flatulence
These gases are produced by bacteria which live in our large intestine. As part of digestion, this bacteria breaks down food into amino acids, glucose and fatty acids. The bacteria are living in symbiosis with our body and the gases are just by-products of their daily work.
- Food such as beans, cauliflower, broccoli, cabbage, peas, soybeans, garlic and onions can make you fart. The cellulose in vegetables cannot be digested, therefore vegetarians produce more gas than people with a mixed diet. Even bread and beer can lead to gases as well, especially when switching to a different brand. In general, though a high fibre diet is good for health, flatulence is the trade off.
- People who suffer from lactose intolerance (which is the lack of an enzyme required for digesting dairy products like milk) may fart more often.
- If you eat your food too fast or swallowing too much air may also lead to wind. The air may enter the digestive system.
Releasing gas is normal and natural. It is a matter of respect to your colleagues, elders and in laws that you adopt a degree of decorum, but let’s strike farting in front of your boyfriend off the list. I think this can actually show that you are both comfortable with each other, and be a source of much hilarity. Some woman would simply feel uncomfortable doing this, and some men would feel the same but I think being in love means finally not having to hold your farts in.