Old Life New Life
10:50 pm I’m tired I’m going to bed now, coming with me or do you want to stay up late and annoy me? Bed, oh good, let’s go then. Just help me get ready and we can finish that chapter, then sleep.
12:15 am Stop trying to close my eyes, it’s so annoying. Let me read, just two more pages. No? Actually, I agree it’s the sensible thing to do, can you help me just turn out the lights? What, I was just drifting off. Why are you asking now? I could have continued to read. Ummm I guess, I feel a bit uncomfortable, a little more than normal yes, something has changed, not much, but something. No, I have not eaten properly today, ok for a while. Stop talking, you’re the one that started closing my eyes. I am not in the mood for this discussion. Goodnight.
1:00 am You have woken me up again. Why are you dragging him into it? We agreed to go to sleep about an hour ago. Oh God, why are you poking around in my shit now? Just leave it with everything else, I don’t remember asking you to unpack it for me, in fact, I asked you both to keep that particular item in the box. It does not fit yet, I still need loose more weight. Why: why then do you keep lifting up this gown? It’s not my size or colour, I did not pick it for myself. Shut up and just let me sleep.
2:43 am I am not sure which one of you is doing this but you should be concentrating on your own jobs, rearranging my stuff, putting my things in order, cleaned, ironed and hung so that I can choose to wear them when I want. Do your work and let me sleep. Stop asking questions, stop poking and prodding, just mind your own businesses.
3:27 am Ok, that’s it, you are dead, the pair of you, I am going to put the light on, open my eyes and kill this conversation. You will have to think about real stuff, help me walk and put the kettle on. And you, you will have to help me find things. Thank you, that’s better, I should not have to threaten you. Now just slow down and sort through that pile of laundry, please, put the other thing away. I need to wear something clean and starched tomorrow, I have felt so very tired lately.
4:13 am For fuck’s sake! I don’t want to feel the cloth, see the pattern. I have plenty of time to wear it, see how it feels on my skin. Sorry yes, I swore again, I’m scared. I know the material, the thread already, I trusted you both to keep it, store it away in tissue paper. Everyone will see me in it soon enough, now I just need to get some rest.
5:35 am The alarm is about to go off, I hope you are both satisfied, I am shattered. You showed me all those ridiculous little details, the trims. You kept me awake and now I am tired and feel sick to my stomach. Yes, it was the same yesterday, no I can not remember when I last felt really well. I am just so tired you will not let me rest.
6:15 am The alarm has gone off and you are both quiet, now the light is in my room, thanks a lot. I need to get ready, be able to feel, I will not take the pills this morning. I think she is going to tell me something special and I want to be present, hear the dreams be seen in the future. I think today we will celebrate a new life, my daughter and I. I’ve seen the polite refusals, the slight precautions, the tiny adjustments that the beginning of life brings. Memory, can you actually be a dear and help me remember the time we agreed to meet, just forget my medical chart for now. I know I have to tell her, have to tell them all, you do not have to remind me, it’s just the timing is so bad, I just can not seem to find the words.
There you go Brain, why don’t you work on that tonight instead of talking to me about death, coercing with memory, opening that box. You just need to keep my last outfit safe for a couple more weeks, can you do that guys, brain, memory. Just pretend for a tiny bit longer, stop discussing it when I am trying to sleep. Let me wear my normal, casual clothes for just a little bit longer, perhaps tonight we can finish the booties.